Real Talk... (Part 1)
I know in some of my blogs I’ve probably painted the picture like everything was peaches and cream. Every experience and bit of encouragement I shared is true but sometimes on my day to day basis it’s not like that at all. I admit there’s a “season” for everything and that’s why I share what I feel the need to share. Today is a little different because I want to be real. Everyday is a daily battle for me. I’m currently not in school, I’m actually trying to apply for another nursing program. I don’t have a job but have applied to multiple places. I thankfully have a family and close friends that support and encourage me. There are days where life is going good and then days where I’m just feeling down in the dumps and anxious. I’m no where near perfect.
For so long, I had a whole bunch of lies about myself I never realized I was dealing with until I sought for some help. Digging deep into my heart, I had a lot of unfinished business. I believed for so long that I was responsible for others' lives. I legitimately felt like I needed to make sure I tried my hardest to keep the ones I loved on the right track. Truth be told, it’s not my job to keep others in check. The only person I am responsible for is myself. I believed that I was a failure and disappointment to my family and to God. I had felt like by not becoming a nurse, I was letting down my family. With God, I felt that he was disappointed because I never got anything right and in hard times I doubted him.
For most of my life I knew that God existed but it wasn’t until now that I’m 22 where I’m learning truly who God is. I struggled with so many insecurities that it affected my relationships at times, because I felt like I was never good enough. I had a tendency to care what people thought about me. I wanted to be the person that everyone liked and I made sure I never did anything wrong or voice how I truly felt. I had moments where I was literally down in the dumps and I started letting thoughts that weren't good to think run through my head. I felt defeated to the point where I thought there was nothing more for me. I wanted to give up. I had moments where I experienced anxiety and I didn't know how to handle it.
Like I said in the beginning, this is me. What I face on a daily has broke me, but I'm currently learning that I need to get back up and put my "boxing gloves" on.